It took a while, but I've finally found my new contemporary audition monologue:

"I want you to know something, okay? And I want to leave a message for you right now because again it's 10:30 here in New York on a Wednesday and once again I've made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone to call you at a specific time. When the time comes ... I stop whatever I'm doing ... and you don't even have the goddamn phone turned on.

I'm tired of playing this game with you. I'm leaving this message with you to tell you that you have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me. You don't have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don't give a damn that you're 12 years old or 11 years old or that you're a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn't care about what you do.

As far as I'm concerned, you have humiliated me for the last time with this phone. And when I come out there next week, I'm going to fly out there for the day just to straighten you out on this issue. I'm going to let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again. You've made me feel like shit. And you've made me feel like a fool over and over and over again. And this crap you pull on me with this goddamn phone situation that you would never dream of doing to your mother. And you do it to me constantly and over and over again.

I'm coming out there for the day, and I'm going to straighten your ass out when I see you. Do you understand me? I'm going to really make sure you get it. Then I'm going to get on a plane and turn around and go home so you better be ready Friday, the 20th, to meet with me because I'm going to let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little pig, okay?"

A little maudlin, but I think I can make it work.