Poopyland Diaries

I'm thinking of a number. No, it's not my credit score. It's the number of crappy children's programs on PBS Kids.

What-the-hell happened over there in the last five years?

My wife once made the comment that Teletubbies made Barney look like Cicero. Well now Teletubbies is looking like the Dahli Lama compared to what... Boohbah?

Here's a rundown of the crap we've been served of late:

Berenstain Bears (kill them, kill them slowly)
Clifford the Big Red Dog (Clifford the Big Red Idiot)
Caillou (A bald idiot. This is still on?)
Clifford's Puppy Days (Like we needed a prequel)
Curious George (In case you didn't have enough of Clifford)
Dragon Tales (It makes me long for Jay Jay the Jet Plane )
It's a Big Big World (Icky!)

It goes without saying that Curious George was cloned from the Berenstains, which in turn were knocked-off from Clifford.



"Wonder Twin Powers, Activate!"


With all the pandering to children's popular favorites can Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs be far behind? How many adventures can Mike Mulligan get into with his steam shovel? How 'bout a treasury of Eric Carle, Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? (on your 56" HD, Plasma TV)

Now get this: these shows aren't even made by the same studios (which I thought might explain the redundant, moralizing plots.) Clifford comes from Scholastic Studios, Curious George is a product of Universal Animation Studios, and The Berenstains are the bastard children of Canada's Nelvana sweatshop.

What goes on here? Is the animation world devoid of imagination? Give me your George Shrinks and Zoboomafoo. Where be your Carmen Santiago and Captain Kangaroo?


"We got cancelled."

The smoking gun here is PBS, and there standards for children's programing. Take a look at the series goals from PBS Parents for each program:

Berenstain Bears

To highlight the value of positive family interactions.
To encourage positive social behavior like cooperation and respecting others.

Clifford

Both Clifford The Big Red Dog and Clifford's Puppy Days emphasize good citizenship and the importance of community. Through the character of Clifford, whose heart is as big as he is, children absorb gentle lessons about acceptance and inclusion.

Calliou

To help children develop social interaction skills like giving, caring and sharing.
To help children learn about family and friends.

THESE ARE ALL THE SAME FREAKIN' GOALS!


"Hey Mitchell, do you think I could get a better costume? Bear has a cool costume."

When The Berenstains comes on at 7:00 am each morning my 3-year-old cries. My older children crack-wise about how dullard Papa Bear is the anamalia incarnation of Homer Simpson. 7:30 am and here comes Clifford: Big... Red... Dumb Clifford. He makes T-Bone look like a MacArthur candidate. And the three-year-old is still crying. Thankfully we're out the door before 8:00 am, but this leaves the baby with the holocaust that is Curious George (and I could give a rats ass that William Macy narrates the damn thing.)


"Doh!"

Please PBS KIDS; between the biweekly pledge drives, can someone do some quality control over in your shop?